Unsplash dog box
(image via Unsplash)

You might have heard this week that Victoria now has 400 Little Free Libraries

I don’t really have a joke here, I just think that’s sweet as all get out, especially at a time when sweetness is generally only found with the word “bitter” and usually comes after about 10 headlines of absolute horror.

But this has got me thinking.

If we could do that with books…what else could we make?

Our Lady Peace taught me that Happiness is Not a Fish That You Can Catch. But could it be something you stick in a little wooden cabinet and place on the sidewalk?

Here’s some ideas to get the ball rolling:

Cannabis Cabinets

Look, I know what you’re thinking. We can hardly get around the regulation side of managing cannabis sales, let alone complimentary devil lettuce.

But let me rotate your perspective 420 degrees there, my good friend. If we remove the currency part of the exchange…does the government regulation still apply?

I’m almost completely sure that free things are automatically deregulated. Look it up. It’s under the same policy that says undercover cops definitely have to tell you they’re cops if you ask.

The Wardrobe of Many Pats

The elaborate name belies the simplest of concepts. You want to talk about how Little Free Libraries bring you joy? Check this out:

You’re taking a walk around the block to simulate your commute home, because you haven’t been to your workplace in months due to COVID-19.

You spot a large wooden structure by the side of the path.

Curious, you open it.

Inside are a dozen puppies.

You pet them.

It’s good.

They’re good dogs (Brent).

That’s it. That’s the pitch.

Bacon Boudoirs

Any fool can cook up bacon at home. But to truly experience bacon, in all its supple Canadian curves, as it curls up in oily, quivering anticipation, sizzling for your mouth parts…you must come to…the bacon boudoir.

Ask any UVic student if food tastes better when it’s free. Now apply that exponential taste-enhancement to bacon, the most sultry of foods, and you understand why bacon boudoirs, the complimentary curbside cafes of curiosity, must become a thing.

Patriotic. Sensual. And Bacony.

The Closet of Judgy Aunts

We’ve all been away from our families, and especially our elderly, judgemental, kinda-low-key-racist-but-still-generally-tolerant relatives, for too long.

Aside from the emotional strain, we are clearly getting too uppity for our own good.

Maybe we broke a health order. Maybe we got into the really weird part of Pornhub (you know exactly which part I mean, you filthy little grubblies). Maybe you wrote a really weird article about alternatives to Little Free Libraries.

But one thing’s for sure: you need a judgy aunt in your life to side-eye your business and go “nephew/niece/non-gendered relation, you need to get your head on straight and sail right.”

You open the closet door, and within its cozy confines, you find only the sternest of aunts, ready to wag their fingers and set you on the path of JAYSUS and righteousness.

And maybe have a little pie, you look so thin.

Recovery Benefit Repositories

Hey, if we can’t get our free money online, maybe we can get it from random cabinets on the street, right?

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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