I have written the next great Hollywood blockbuster, folks.
And I want you all to be the first to sample its glory. Here are some selected scenes from “BLOSSOMS: the Cherry Chasers.”
(any resemblance to earlier works is almost definitely deliberate)
EXTERIOR: Victoria, British Columbia. A typical house in James Bay. You know, before the real estate nightmare.
A family prepares to venture outside. They have no idea what awaits them.
FATHER: Kids, did you remember to let the dog out?
KID 1: It was her turn!
KID 2: Nuh-uh!
FATHER: Well gosh darn it, forget whose turn it was, let that dog out now and let’s get going!
MOTHER, nearby, shakes her head in exaggerated admonishment. They are very idyllic, thus making their impending tragedy all the grimmer.
KID 1 and KID 2 hastily let out PROFESSOR WIGGLESWORTH THE THIRD, ESQUIRE (casting note: the dog’s name is never spoken but a canine who evokes this title is crucial to the coherence of the plot. If an appropriate Wigglesworth cannot be found the movie must not proceed)
FATHER: Okay, let’s get going!
MOTHER: Off we go!
CUT TO a sensible automobile, like a K-car or such, driving towards a park. The family sings “Oh, what a feeling” as all good Canadian families do.
The car abruptly comes to a stop, crash-zoom through the windshield to FATHER, his face aghast.
FATHER: Oh no…
Whip-pan to MOTHER, she grips his shoulder.
FATHER: Kids! Don’t look! Dooooon’t looooook
But it’s too late. The KIDS can see out front. They see…the Cherry Blossom Trees…have already lost their petals.
KID 1: Noooooooooo-
We zoom into Kid 1’s eye, then back out again, revealing HELEN HUNT.
HELEN HUNT: And from that moment on, I vowed to chase cherry blossoms. It was my fault we were too late and missed the season. I should have let the dog out. My tragic backstory drives me to be a cherry chaser.
ALAN RUCK: All I did was ask if you wanted a coffee.
TITLE CARD: BLOSSOMS
EXTERIOR: The cherry chaser base camp. A collection of RV’s, gathered around a picnic table. BYLAW BUDDY is here, concerned (casting note: in the event Naveen Andrews of Lost fame is unavailable, we’ll settle for Sendhil Ramamurthy from Heroes. I GUESS).
BYLAW BUDDY: ‘Kay but we do have designated camping areas-
HELEN HUNT: No stress, pops, we’re just a ragtag band of scientists here to make sure everyone gets their cherry blossoms, all right?
BYLAW BUDDY: Well no, actually, it’s not alright, I mean now you’re saying you’re scientists and that just raises further questions about all this heavy-duty equipment, so you’re gonna want to talk to the CRD for permits and-
ALAN RUCK: Hey boss! We’ve got a category 5!
HELEN HUNT: Where at?
ALAN RUCK: Cook street village.
HELEN HUNT: Hot damn, the perfect opportunity to test my bouncing blossom betty burst device. At last, I’ll have my vengeance on the cherry trees that took away my childhood. Let’s ride!
BYLAW BUDDY: Whoa, hold on here, did you just say something about a bouncing betty? And what was that about vengeance?
HELEN HUNT ignores him. She is single-minded. Cherry chasing champing at the bit. The team races out, their RVs peeling out and leaving such a mess.
BYLAW BUDDY: Hey, pick up your garbage!
A tumbleweed rolls by.
BYLAW BUDDY: Bloody tourists.
The cherry chasers approach a flurry of white petals.
ALAN RUCK: It’s getting intense!
HELEN HUNT: We have to get closer!
Suddenly, a sleek black Tesla supertruck cuts them off.
HELEN HUNT: Sassafras!
JAMI GERTZ, inexplicably riding along, leans forward from the back seat.
JAMI GERTZ: Who dat?
HELEN HUNT: That’s Cary Elwes, honey. He’s just in the cherry chasing business for the money.
JAMI GERTZ: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to ask, how exactly does one get into weather “for the mon-”
HELEN HUNT snatches up a radio and screams into it: Cary you magnificent bugger, last I saw you were trying to carry the least interesting season of Stranger Things.
Cut to CARY ELWES, mirrored shades, cool guy with a cool baseball cap, total cherry chaser sellout with his corporate-sponsored cherry chasing equipment.
CARY ELWES: Nice to see you, Helen. I don’t have a joke here, it’s honestly just really cool to see you. Can you believe you won an Oscar a year after we met?
HELEN HUNT: You used to be about the science of cherry blossoms, Cary.
CARY ELWES: Ah, but now I am paid off by billionaires like Elon Musk! I’ll beat you to the blossoming season if it’s the last thing I do!
HELEN HUNT: Just back off, Cary!
CARY ELWES: As you wish.
HELEN HUNT: What was that?
CARY ELWES: I mean… See you in the parks, has-been!
He speeds away, exceeding the posted 30 km/h speed limit very recklessly.
JAMI GERTZ: This all seems so unnecessary.
HELEN HUNT is braving the Cherry Blossom rain. White petals are overwhelming everything. It is real purty.
HELEN HUNT: We have to go into the eye of the storm!
ALAN RUCK: I’m really sad Bill Paxton couldn’t be here.
HELEN HUNT: Honestly yeah me too, but he would want us to finish the bit.
ALAN RUCK: I’m with you!
HELEN HUNT: Hooooold ooooooon
HELEN HUNT and ALAN RUCK dramatically stumble through the white petals. It is very emotional. Then…they find the core of the storm. So…the tree. It is good and solid.
HELEN HUNT: You and me, daddy…you and me.
ALAN RUCK: And hopefully…no one will ever suffer and miss them…again.
SMASH-CUT to a family caught on the Colwood Crawl.
FATHER: Stupid bike lanes.
Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to email@example.com.