Thursday, March 28, 2024

Ford on Fridays: why’d you have to go and make things so stonkplicated?

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Does anyone else remember Occupy Wall Street?

Given that 2020 alone felt like 10,462 years, I think we can be forgiven for forgetting the protests that loudly and proudly proclaimed “we are the 99 per cent” back around…oh, I dunno, the Renaissance?

Thing is, and this is in no way meant to insult these brave souls who demanded… um… things… but I think the other reason we struggle to recall the Occupy protest movement is because — and stick with me here — these protests didn’t seem to accomplish much in the way of hurting Wall Street.

But you know who just did?

Reddit.

Yes, through methods I don’t fully understand, it would seem that the people to take ruthless hedge fund managers down a peg were not the plucky placard bearers on the streets, but the manic meme makers in the sheets. You know, from their beds.

I’ll be the first to admit that my financial literacy, like most millennials, is less-than-solid. I think the sum total of my education on the stock market comes from Kindergarten, where I learned about Shares. Or maybe just Sharing. It’s all a bit hazy what with the huffing markers (if they didn’t WANT us to huff them, why make them with fruity scents? And what was up with the mango ones?).

I’ll also be the first to admit that I’m a glutton for trends. Especially trends that promise sticking it to the man with a minimal amount of effort. Cause, ya know, I’m all for social change so long as I don’t have to leave my comfy jammies.

So I set out on an adventure to join the Crus-eddit, eager to get my grubby little mitts on dem stonks.

I’m aware of the theory of the stock market. I know that you buy things called “shares,” which represent a portion of a company’s value, and that value goes up when more people buy it and stuff.

That’s all I need to know, right?

TO THE INTERNET.

After a few quick moments of Googling “how to get dem stonks” online, I find myself creating an account on Questrade.

The website asks me for some pretty standard information – name, address, so on – but around about the point where it starts to ask me for my SIN, my assets and liabilities, a sacrificial goat and my third-born child, I start to have two questions:

  1. Is it really worth going through all this for a gag?
  2. How the hell did a 10-year-old do this?

All I want is to get in on a cash cow, purchase a meme stock with a hilarious code like BASE in honour of the dankest meme I can think of, and make sure ALL THE BASE ARE BELONG TO ME.

Who would have thought that a form of financial protest against inequality would actually require effort, instead of the charming silliness it has been portrayed as in the media?

What if the real sharing is the friends we made along the way?

When did this become so complicated?

Where does one acquire a sacrificial goat these days?

Why must life be so hard?

Sigh.

Look, uh, maybe I was a bit harsh on those Occupy guys. At the very least, you never asked me for my third-born child.

So I tell you what, maybe let’s give the placards and protest signs one more try.

You bring the construction paper.

I’ll bring the smelly markers.

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

Tim Ford
Tim Ford
Digital staff writer with Victoria Buzz

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