It’s April Fool’s Day.
Typically, the common tactic for journalists is to surprise the reader at the end of the post, but I’m going to be upfront about it here: it’s April Fool’s Day.
Understand? Everybody got it?
This piece hinges on you knowing that today is a day of lies. Rather than offering you some fake comically light-hearted news, I can make this non-holiday about me. An occasion of pure selfishness.
If Schrodinger’s Cat could be a day, it would be April Fool’s Day, where truth and fiction meld into a superimposed feline that MAYBE pushed all your stuff off your desk and/or MAYBE loves you.
In this case, I’m counting on this day to mask my deep personal shames, a chance to finally get some things off my chest.
Ready to play? I SURE AM, LET’S DO THIS FOOLS (beloved readers).
Secret Shame #1: I hoard plastic straws
Ever since governments and social media opinion turned against plastic straws, I have been living a double life chastising environmental laggards with one side of my brain, while secreting away dozens or even hundreds of 8 to 10-inch soda rods with the other.
It’s like a switch went off in my head, and I internally decided we were headed for a Mad Max-esque apocalypse where straws replace all forms of currency.
Well, the joke will be on YOU, Immortan, when I DRINK YOUR WATER UP with my plastic pile of plenty.
Secret Shame #2: I am under the age of 60 and unironically enjoy Murdoch Mysteries
WELL, I mostly enjoy it.
Except for when Emily Grace left, and then they killed off Robert Parker, but they KEPT Rupert Newsome?
I just want William to be happy, and that means ditching that harridan Dr. Ogden and shacking up with hottie mchottie Anna Fulford, who is definitely NOT dead shut up shut up-
Oh lord, I’m providing way too many details, aren’t I? Nobody’s going to believe this one is a lie.
Secret Shame #3: I hate all squirrels
I’m just going to say it: squirrels are monsters. Thieving little no good trickster gerbils.
Ever see a cartoon squirrel with lasting appeal? Hell no. Chip and Dale: Rescue SQUIRRELS? I think not.
Brown squirrels are moderately tolerable at the best of times. Gray squirrels are just awful. I once saw a black squirrel in the company of a rat, I swear to god.
I don’t care if it gets me cancelled, someone had to say it.
Secret Shame #4: I accept only the freshest of groceries
If you’ve ever gone to the supermarket and found only items with expiry dates the next day or, at best, the day after…it’s my fault. I did that.
I am that guy who reaches past the stuff they deliberately move to the front, the things that are juuuust about to go off, and grabs at the things that came in straight from the distribution warehouse.
I am the one who will turn his nose up at bakery items made the day before my arrival, like a debauched Roman emperor sneering at a plate of grapes that were carried by an insufficiently nubile slave.
I am Foodor, the chooser of choice meats and picker of fresh produce. Fear my long shadow approaching your Thrifty’s.
Secret Shame #5: I thought “Paw Patrol” was “Papa Troll” for an uncomfortably long time
When I was working an office gig, a coworker brought their kid in one day while their partner was away.
To keep them occupied, they let them watch cartoons on their computer.
Now, I was down the hall, and I heard the theme song, and somehow the uptempo beat melded “Paw Patrol” into “Papa Troll.”
The child LOVED this cartoon, which again I could not see. And that instilled in me a deep belief that children around the world had embraced a love of gross, hulking monsters that dwelled under bridges.
You can imagine my personal disappointment upon learning that they in fact loved cute, four-legged animals.
So much for my hopes at finally making a connection with my niece.
Secret Shame #6: I have no family photos in my home and I worry it makes me look like a psychopath
Like many people, I have been binging old TV recently, trying to give my brain some calming medicine for the world’s woes.
My choice program at the moment is Criminal Minds, and at multiple junctures I have seen these characters at a crime scene, remarking “no family photos. This guy’s a regular Ted Bundy.”
Is that…a thing? Like really a thing?
Because I haven’t hung a picture of my family in my home for like…a decade.
I don’t THINK I’m a psychopath, but that also sounds suspiciously like something a psychopath would say.
Well, the good news is, it’s April Fool’s Day, so if the prosecution brings this post forward for my inevitable trial as the Victoria Squirrel Slayer, I have deniability.
Merry Fool’s Day to all, and to all a good lie!
Welcome to Ford on Fridays (on Thursday today): a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to email@example.com.