I am extremely self-conscious.
I don’t like the way I look. I feel like a rough drawing that Dr. Seuss gave up on halfway through, or a Picasso where he just kept going. YOU HEARD ME.
Though if you did hear me, I should also mention that I am self-conscious about my voice, too. I have the nagging feeling that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Kermit the frog.
The long-and-short of this persistent image problem is that I rarely, if ever, post pictures/videos of myself to social media.
But now, all the cool kids are doing it, as hashtag VACCINATED kicks into high gear with badly-ageing millennials like myself eagerly lining up for our perfect Insta shot. And a life-saving medicine, I suppose.
This is a golden opportunity for ugly ducklings like me, though. Because we finally have a social media trend that’s all about taking pictures with masks on.
Oh sure, mask selfies have been a thing for over a year now, but this time we not only get the dopamine high of getting Likes, but we also get to revel in moral superiority.
WORSHIP ME, we shout with our vaccine selfies. I AM LIKE UNTO THE LEGENDARY GRECIAN HEROES, HERE TO DELIVER YOU FROM THE PLAGUES OF PANDORA’S BOX. I AM CLEANSED. I AM MIGHTY.
With that shot (pun definitely intended) at adulation, how can I pass this moment up? It’s your time, understudies! The leading lady has broken her leg! Step up to the spotlight!
I shall go out to the clinic, phone eagerly clutched in my hand with white-knuckled anticipation. I will roll up to that nurse, bask in the flattering glow of clinic fluorescent lighting and say “I’m ready for my closeup, Mr. AstraZeneca.”
Let me just roll up my sleeve and…
Oh. Oh that is a disappointing amount of muscle mass.
And when did I get so many hairs on my shoulder?
And there’s not even an appealing, cool tattoo like the Prime Minister has?
I…do not like this arm.
Uh, tell you what, let’s maybe just keep my own celebratory vaccination post to a text-based one, yeah?
I’ll leave the vaccine selfies to the sexier limbs out there.
Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to email@example.com.