Sunset over the Salish Sea taken from French Beach.

As of July, I will have been living on Vancouver Island for two years.

During that period, while I have been in and out of employment, I have never been idle.

I have moved among the Islanders. Studying them. Becoming one with them. I am the Dian Fossey of the Island inhabitants. Victorians in the mist.

In that time, I have come to realize much from these simple, noble creatures, so very much like Canadians that I too can believe we share a common ancestry.

Here are the truths I have gleaned.

1. I live here now, which means I want no additional people to live here

A fragile system such as Vancouver Island must be carefully monitored and maintained. Therefore, I have determined that a population cap is in order.

It is a very simple measurement: no more people can move here after me.

I’m sure all my fellow Islanders will agree with that sentiment.

What’s that? Some very charming people whose language we used to name places like Esquimalt and Sooke would like a word?

I’ll get back to them.

2. Whatever form of transportation we are currently using is the best and everyone else can suck it

When Islanders are in cars, all cyclists and pedestrians are morons and nincompoops.

When Islanders are on bicycles, all drivers are deathmongers and Mad Max recreationists, and all pedestrians are deadly roving cactus plants with wildly flailing limbs.

When Islanders are on foot, all drivers are on hallucinatory substances and think they’re participating in the Indy 500, and all cyclists are hippie douchebag potsmoking ne’er do wells.

Skaters seem ok though. Those guys are chill.

But we can all agree that one form of transportation is the absolute worst…

3. Everyone hates BC Ferries

That’s just the way it is. If you don’t hate on BC Ferries, there must be something clinically wrong with you.

What’s that? What’s the actual problem?

Look, just hate the ferries, okay? And we’ll all get along.

4. Thirteen municipalities in an area the size of Edmonton is totally fine

Outside of the Island, the names Colwood, View Royal, and Oak Bay mean literally nothing. They are Victoria, and that’s it.

But to Islanders, these 13 municipalities mean EVERYTHING.

I sometimes hear people say things to me like “Oh, I had to go all the way out to Langford the other day. Can you believe that?” They say it that way.

Langford. With a haughty sneer. As though to draw the syllables out into LaaaaaooooooongFoooaaaarrrrdaway. As if making that arduous journey requires the services of a team of sherpas, a pack of huskies, an aeronaut and an armoured bear.

I don’t have the heart to tell them that the distance they’re talking about is less than driving from my old apartment in Calgary’s Marda Loop down to my sister’s place in Midnapore-Sundance.

But if you’re still confused about the various towns around town, I have learned one more thing.

5. A simple guide to the Saaniches

So you’ve got the Saanich Peninsula, right?

OK, so North Saanich is on that. Central Saanich is just south of that.

But if you go further south, you’re in Saanich.

Saanichton, meanwhile, is a little bit north, but not out of North Saanich.

South Saanich covers most of Saanich and Central Saanich, while Saanich North and the Islands has most of the Saanich Peninsula and some other Saanich-ey Islands.

Saanichberg is the name of my town in Sim City, which I play with some friends in Saanich and North Saanich.

I like to get Chicken Bacon Saaniches from this place in Sidney, which is on the Saanich Peninsula, but doesn’t have a Saanich-ey name so isn’t as funny.

The Republic of Saanichstan exists on the Earth-2 timeline, which you get to via a portal in Saanich, but don’t take it from the north (Central Saanich) side, because then you’ll get sandwiched between atoms.

Comic Sans Witch is a fun font for halloween.

Got it?

Good.

Welcome to the Island.

Unless you don’t already live here.

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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