From time to time, people ask me: Tim, what’s it like living in Victoria? Is it different depending on which part you live in?
Well, hypothetical visitor or immigrant, let me answer that in the most obtuse way possible: with the language of ASTROLOGY.
Here is your guide to Greater Victoria’s 13 municipalities, represented by the Zodiac.
Aries – Langford
Langford isn’t just the city that ranked as Canada’s “most livable place” on a list recently; they’re the city that WANTS YOU TO KNOW they ranked as the most livable place, dammit.
This is the municipality whose dad could beat up your dad. The city that will not only demand to know the rules of Calvinball, but will totally school you at it any day of the week.
Taurus – Sooke
Solid, reliable, but also fiercely independent and confused about why you keep dragging it into all of this stuff. That’s Sooke, the municipality that time forgot.
It’s the town that’s happy to be out on its own, practically one-road-in, one-road-out. But man, when that road is out of service, they are gonna let you KNOW about it.
Gemini – Metchosin
Quietly self-effacing, unassuming, charming, and also the crown prince of the passive-aggressive email.
If the phrase “bless your little heart” could sprout roads, a Montessori school and a few judgey farms, it would be Metchosin.
Cancer – Colwood
Colwood just wants to be loved, OK? It hears you every time you snark about the “Colwood crawl” and it takes these comments to its poor, damaged heart, even though it knows deep down that other municipalities are also to blame.
Colwood is doing its best, and someday we may yet see it peek out from its hardened little shell of sensitivity to grace us with all the hugs.
Leo – Oak Bay
Lord grant me the sheer self-confidence, glamour, and total obliviousness of Oak Bay. Oak Bay is the Ted Talk of Greater Victoria, proclaiming to all and sundry that they, too, can have luxurious homes and a sweeping, clean cavalcade of parks and small business.
And all we have to do is follow this simple, twelve-step program.
Virgo – North Saanich
I actually don’t know much about North Saanich, but I definitely get Big Virgin Energy whenever I go there.
That’s all I have to say about that.
Libra – Central Saanich
Most of my justification for this comes from the fact that Butchart Gardens is in Central Saanich, an attraction that screams Libra to me.
This is a place that clearly demands order, but also wants everyone to experience that order. Preferably with large families.
It’s like that one old guy we all know with a hobby railroad display, who builds something absolutely incredible but doesn’t let the kids play with it, because it’s a MODEL, not a TOY, and you can look but don’t touch, for crying out loud.
Scorpio – Saanich
I feel like Saanich is the municipality that is going to be pushed too far one day, and is going to just declare itself an independent state.
It won’t care that it’s right smack in the middle of everyone else – in fact, that’s what will chiefly drive it to secede from the rest of us.
Saanich puts on a brave face, goes along with a lot of our nonsense, but behind every decision you can almost hear the town say “SOON.”
Sagittarius – View Royal
Much like I associate Butchart with Central Saanich, I think just about everyone associates Thetis Lake with View Royal.
Or rather, “Thetis Lake” comes first. “View Royal” comes second, if it comes at all. View Royal is a place for people to pass through and sniff the air, not kiss the dirt. But they’re also the life of the party.
The party at Thetis Lake.
Capricorn – Esquimalt
People dump on Esquimalt all the time, and it just…takes it. I think Esquimalt is probably the wisest municipality of all, largely accepting the barbs and arrows of the rest of Greater Victoria while quietly existing in simple, solid harmony.
Esquimalt is the cubicle farm dad who genuinely gets a kick out of water cooler chats and always wears the same tie to work, except on wacky casual fridays. Then the polka dots come out — LOOK OUT, WORLD.
Aquarius – Victoria
Victoria just doesn’t need your system, man. Victoria’s BEYOND your system.
Determined to fix the cracks in the world even as it runs headlong through plate glass windows to do so, Victoria is here to take on the Man – even the one in the mirror.
This is the city that’s here to fix everything and make humanity better, and if it has to flounce off in a huff with its thumbs in its ears from time to time to do it, then BY GOD THAT’S WHAT IT WILL DO.
Pisces – Sidney
Ah, Sidney. A town full of old people who have a soft spot for acting like kids now and again, and kids who have a soft spot for antiquing and wine tastings.
Sidney will come out with huge ideas and big hearts then doze off part way through the other municipalities’ explanations about why these things cannot come to pass.
Ophiuchus – Highlands
Does anyone even remember Highlands exists? You can be Ophiuchus, the sign which is not a sign. What even are you? Why are you?
Come on now. That’s not a real place. That’s a Scottish stereotype.
Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to email@example.com.