Government House Gardens
(Government House Gardens, photo by Tim Ford)

It’s time to go back, folks. Back…to the world where we can learn more about the city and the people around us.

Back…to one-star (and a few two-star) reviews of Victoria’s local attractions.

Let us learn together about B.C.’s capital, shall we?

Victoria Bug Zoo

OK, first of all, it’s not the size of the zoo, it’s how you use it. Second of all, we do understand that bugs do not require a large amount of space, right?

Frankly, if you told me we were going to a bug zoo, and it took up the space of a city block, that would just be alarming.

Honest question: is there a phrase more immediately disqualifying for being taken seriously than “virtue signalling?”

For that matter, is there anything more virtue-signally than the phrase “virtue signalling?”

No? Good. Maureen, somehow I think the Zoo will get by without your sparkling presence to light up their day.

Fort Rodd Hill & Lighthouse

Monty Python voice: “It’s only a model.”

Seriously though, the beacon goes INSIDE the lighthouse. That’s just a basic fact. I mean, you wouldn’t say that “the lighthouses of Minas Tirith are lit,” that would just be ridiculous. Those were clearly unhoused piles of wood, and therefore beacons.

This has been pedantry and lighthouses, thank you for your time.

Crap did you guys know things get hot in the summer? This is making me rethink everything.

Alert UNICEF.

Madrona Gallery

Did…did Tamara’s mean ex write this? Or possibly her mother?

Also: “Spend your investment?” Sir, this is a gallery, not a Bitcoin machine.

Willows Beach

I don’t know about you guys, but nothing turns me off of a beach faster than weirdos spray-painting a van.

Especially if those weirdos consist of a kinda preppy guy in an orange neckerchief, a strung-out hippie in a worn-out green t-shirt, a geeky chick with oversized glasses and a redhead in a scandalous purple miniskirt.

And it’s even worse if they have a huge dog with them, like a Great Dane or some jinkies nonsense like that.

PAUL WE TALKED ABOUT THIS

PAUL IF WE DON’T LEAVE THE BEACH NOW WE’RE GONNA MISS THE GAME

PAUL

Okay fine 10 more minutes of sand castles

Miniature World

Well, there’s a ringing endorsement for parenthood if I ever saw one. You heard it here first folks! Children: good for tax breaks, Dickensian labour, useful excuses for getting ice cream, and getting into Miniature World.

Government House

You know what? I have a weird respect for a position that boils down to: “the Queen and her institutions built some neat things, but seriously, death to all monarchs.”

In Latin, it’d be something like “Sic semper gloria mundis tyrannis” though Google Translate tells me that actually comes out as “The glory of the clean: Thus always to tyrants.”

Let’s have less Latin in our country too, eh?

OK I realize this is undoubtedly a troll review but I absolutely LOVE the word “governminty.” If the Tea House here doesn’t already stock a mint tea called “Governminty” they need to get on that, ASAP.

They can work out a licensing deal with Mr. Epic Fails of 360 Google Review Avenue.

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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