After a long journey of self-discovery, I’m thrilled to say I have returned and am ready to once again dive into the world of one-star reviews.
If you’re wondering why anyone would do this, it’s my opinion that the best way to learn about a place is to find out the worst things anyone can say about it.
The thing is, when you find people salty enough to rate something with one-star, you don’t always get the most clarity.
So we should study those reviews closely! Like Jane Goodall and her gorillas, I will immerse myself in the negativity, and come away with a positive result.
This time, I’m taking in the whole of Vancouver Island. Here are some attractions from up and down the B.C. beauty.
I think you might have accidentally checked into the Overlook Hotel, sir. Don’t worry, it’s a common mistake. Just ignore the caretaker, don’t write any memoirs, play with the twin girls, and be polite and allow the river of blood to fully exit the elevator before you get on.
You uh… do realize that we can’t control the weather, right?
Salt Spring Island
This actually, in a strange way, reads like a ringing endorsement of the Island. I don’t know where Harold was, but the point he seems to be making is that to NOT be on Salt Spring Island deserves one-star.
Hard to argue with that, really. Salt Spring Island? Five stars. Everywhere else? ONE STAR, YOU CRUMMY NOT-SALT SPRING ISLAND PLACES.
BC Forest Discovery Centre
Okay, stay with me here. I think I can help.
Step one: google “BC Forest Discovery Centre.” Step two: click the first search result. Step three: click “plan your visit.” Step four: read the section under “Centre Hours of Operation.” Step five: go in peace and sin no more.
Was this review written by Sam the Eagle? Also, come on man, how do you think the locals feel about you?
WELL AS A MATTER OF FACT
They all miss you terribly and wish you would visit. They don’t know what they did wrong. They’re truly lovely, forgiving people and this is not a mutual dislike, Mr. E.
Well now hold on a moment here. I’m gonna put aside the insecurities of needing to have somebody to show off for, and just say that CLEARLY this can’t be true. Show off for the weirdos, Colby! They’re here for you.
They may even help you with a nice leg massage. What? I SAID they were weirdos!
I don’t actually have a joke here. This person apparently clicked the wrong button or misunderstood how ratings work. And let me point out: this was the ONLY one-star review for Kinsol Trestle.
Obviously, people frigging LOVE this place, and I think that’s just adorable and delightful.
Enjoy your holidays, Islanders!
Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a (mostly) weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to firstname.lastname@example.org.