Single at Christmas
(photo via Unsplash)

Another Christmas, another COVID wave.

As a single person with no kiddies and no roomies (the distinction between those two is blurry), I know all too well how tough these times can be.

All around us, we’ve got holiday cheer, and we’re stuck in our weird, confusing “maximum household” rules that leave us awkwardly half-in and half-out of visitation, just when it seemed like we might have a chance at human contact. It’s like getting blue balled at conjugal visit time in Sing Sing.

I was lucky. I convinced my Calgary-based family to hold a small “early Christmas” around the 10th. This was not due to foresight around a potential fourth wave. It was just my lizard brain latching onto a dirt-cheap flight deal that matched the budget of my wallet.

Nevertheless, I consider myself fortunate to have taken in that visit, and, while I am a lonely heart in a city I still haven’t gotten to fully explore, I do have a tiny furbeast to keep me company. Arguably, the presence of a dog only enhances my inevitable Grinch cosplay, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t massively help in these pandemic times.

Given, then, that I do have some emotional energy to expend in the aid of others, I want to offer my fellow Victoria singles some suggestions for how to spend these difficult times. And no, this won’t be some empty, vacuous attempt to convince you that “good vibes and good thoughts” are going to get you through this.

This is the real shit. Right here. Let’s do Christmas 2021 right.

Go full Jabba

Yes, I am referring to Jabba the copyrighted Hutt. You see a disgusting crime lord slug boy. I see a wealthy libertine living his best-damned life.

In the short span we saw Jabba, that greasy glorious animatronic that launched a thousand slashfics with his costume fetishes was basically partying constantly. He was surrounded by sex, drugs and (depending on if you see the Special Edition) rock and roll.

Now, you probably can’t engage in all of these, but what you CAN do is let yourself utterly go, and ain’t nobody gonna say boo about it. Eat that turkey. Double-fist that Bailey’s and coffee. Squirt the whipping cream directly into your mouth and forego pie altogether. Or don’t.

The point is: all those body-shaming cretins are going to be out of sight, out of mind for the foreseeable future. Screw them, and their wookie too.

Manifest a manifesto

You’re alone. You’re isolating. You’re angry. You’re sad. You’re more than a little bit drunk.

If those aren’t prime conditions for creating the next version of Das Kapital, I don’t know what is.

I feel like now’s the time for us embittered, lonely and — let’s be honest — a little bit crazy single folks to truly carpe diem and come out with the next wave of revolutionary thought. It’s kind of the “infinite monkey theorem” style of Marx and Engels. Can a thousand bitter COVID shut-ins crank out the next Wealth of Nations or 1984? Let’s find out!

Fall down the infinite vortex of the internet

I do this on most days off, but this is a great opportunity to find out how deep the well goes.

The internet is a wonderful and terrible place. It’s not something easily understood. But if there’s one guiding principle to it, it’s that it wants to give you MORE. Algorithms atop algorithms are linked like Dante’s circles of hell to propagate you to more and more content.

“The feed” is like a Lovecraftian nightmare god, forever singing the song that sends men to madness. And yet, I cannot get enough of it (and that’s ESPECIALLY Lovecraftian).

In some ways, falling down an internet hole, clicking “see also” or “related content” like a sage with a dousing rod looking for the one clean water source, is a lot of fun. It can be perilous. But therein lies the challenge.

I promise you, there is a surprising amount of reward in finding that ONE link that offers something you truly love. Here’s a freebie to get you started.

And never forget

It’s okay to be sad during the holidays. It’s okay to be happy during the holidays. It’s okay to be anything in between.

But whatever happens, I hope it helps to know that I’m here, you’re here, we’re all here, and we’re all in this together.

Merry Christmas.

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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