I’ve been trying to practice a sort of zen level of thinking lately.
I feel like it’s worth a shot; astrology, tarot, practical voodoo and fury-based yoga have failed to quiet my mental state during the pandemic.
So instead, I feel like it’s worth giving a crack to come up with some of the positive things in life. You know, really lay out the situation in a thoughtful, listicle kind of way.
Because surely, despite this unquestionably being one of the worst periods in modern memory, there’s some good coming out of it all right?
Here’s what I’ve come up with.
1. Everybody has gotten really good at measuring 6 feet
That’s gotta come in handy at some point, you know? If you happen to be exactly that height, you’re always going to know which carnival rides you can go on without any guidance. AND. We’ve all got a better appreciation on a literal level for the TV show Six Feet Under.
2. Nobody knows when I’m sneering at them
Or sticking my tongue out, or quietly mouthing the lyrics to “baby got back.” Masks are a terrific social equalizer for people who have absolutely no poker face. I feel like relationships everywhere are being saved. Your partner asks you if they look good in their new uggs. Your eyes say yes, your mouth forms into an eldritch scream of silent horror, choking out the word “sure” like a strangled raven. Everyone’s happy. OR ARE THEY?
3. I have a sudden, deep appreciation for the physical touch of strangers
There was a time when I would cringe at a handshake. Especially when you get one of those limp-wristers, like you’re reaching out to greet a dead cod, and then you flap it around as if you’re desperately trying to resuscitate it. But no more! Now I treat every bump, every nudge, every slight moment of contact with another piece of human flesh as a religious experience. One day we will have the Church of the Holy Fist Bump, and every service will begin with the traditional back-slap, and conclude with the priest running down the aisles high-fiving everyone like a hype man at a BC Lions game.
4. I’ve memorized the number of panels in my hardwood floor
You never know, it could come up!
5. Doctors are the new celebrities
They deserve their turn, don’t they? I feel like we went through a phase where it was actors, singers, etc. and before that it was like…court gossip, kings and queens, everybody wants to know who Marie Antoinette’s dating now, yadda yadda. And before THAT it was like…prophets and stuff? Like Moses was going around signing stone tablets for everyone, and Buddha was touring Asia and just stealing hearts. So why not give doctors a turn as celebrities?
6. That’s about it.
Seriously, this time sucks. But we’re gonna get through it, folks.
Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.
This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.
