(Royal BC Museum IMAX)

They say you can tell a lot about a place by the way they treat their people. But I think you can also tell a lot about a place by the way people treat it, particularly online.

I’m still new to Victoria, but I’m keen to begin exploring it as restrictions lift. But before I do, I’d love to get a read on some of the local haunts.

Clearly, the best way to do that is with Google Reviews. But I don’t want any glowing praise, so let’s have a look at some of the worst ratings these places get. Because that is sure to present the most honest picture of what Victoria is like.

Butchart Gardens

Well, I don’t have a wife, let alone a young lady wife, so this might not be my jam. On the other hand, I have to ask: how little does your young lady wife affect your opinions to the point where her enjoying something means you give it 1-star?

Young lady wife: call me. I’m happy to be dragged around, any time.

Did a sorcerer cast a spell on Butchart Gardens? “Lo, I have been beguiled by yon sweeping veranda! Verily, mine eyes and mine purse are both pried open, and I am helpless. Forsooth. Zounds.”

Sir, you do understand that the garden is not a salad bar?

Craigdarroch Castle

Wait, so which trip earned the 1-star review. And are you saying you appreciate it now? Did the pre-school trip taint the later visit? Or is this retrospective? SO MANY QUESTIONS.

I can forgive the grammar here that implies this guy broke into people’s cars (maybe English isn’t his first language!) but I cannot forgive his photography, which places everything at a Dutch Angle. Maybe he did it to emphasize how he couldn’t get his sweeping, Battlefield Earth-esque shots of the castle.

Royal BC Museum

AMEN Mr. Durden, the first rule of Canada is don’t talk about Canada.

I definitely don’t travel to Canada for the Canadians, and I especially don’t go to a country expecting them to put stuff from their own people inside their museums. That’s just tacky.

Fisherman’s Wharf

This…seems less like a condemnation of the Wharf than it does of your parent. Also, wait, are you literally a dog? I can sympathize, but I just need you to be honest. If I ask if you’re a dog, you have to tell me. That’s dog law.

Legislative Assembly

Did you ever think that maybe the Queen is overshadowing the bloody good fir tree? I’m just saying, if there’s one thing Joni Mitchell taught me, it’s that it always seems to go that you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone. Or if you bloody well prune it away.

Art Gallery of Greater Victoria

Look, I’m glad that we’re FINALLY hearing the opinions of a literal White man. But I do have to wonder: do women seriously carry boat-sized purses expressly for the purpose of storing art? And does the Art Gallery of Greater Victoria have a “women can take art” policy?

Because that doesn’t sound like a problem, that sounds effing AWESOME.

Wait. Did you even go yet? Why are you leaving a review and asking a question? This post is like a koan, wrapped in an enigma, sealed in a riddle.

Esquimalt Lagoon

Sir, this is a Google Review, not a police barricade. But also…are you secretly trying to keep the good places to yourself? I’m getting strong “shhhh don’t tell anyone it’s good” vibes off this post.

I’m breaking my 1-star rule with this one, but I just had to speak out: the birds are not here to do emotional labour for you, all right? Maybe the birds had some stuff going on. Do YOU ever sing for the birds? Do you? And what kind of emotional energy are YOU bringing to date night?

This relationship between you and the birds can’t be a one-way street, Kevin. Give and take.

Give.
And.
Take.

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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