Hey Victoria! Are you feeling just a tad overwhelmed under this potentially deadly heat wave?

Well worry not. We’ve got some creative solutions here for you that you won’t find anywhere else, and it DEFINITELY isn’t because they’re illegal, potentially lethal or utterly incompetent.

Here are your tips for keeping things frosty:

Have a party in an underground parking garage

Sure the ambience leaves something to be desired, but you can’t deny the best way to get away from the sun’s punishing rays is to take to the underground. Be on the cutting edge of a sci-fi society living beneath the earth’s crust and part-ay down in the concrete jungle. And the acoustics are ah-maz-ing.

Replace your blood with antifreeze

From the school of thought that brought you “drink bleach to bring COVID,” (the school in question being Trump University), comes another ingenious solution to life’s little problems.

Plus as an added perk, you’ll be the preferred friend for those long road trips where they might need a little kick to the engine to keep things going. Gives new meaning to “bleed your brakes!”

Relax with some tunes

Consider: Vanilla Ice, LL Cool J, Coolio, Frozen soundtrack, Christmas carols

Avoid: Hot Hot Heat, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Flaming Lips, Arcade Fire, Nickleback (OK this last one’s just a personal preference)

Get bitten by a radioactive ice cube

It’s been a long time since Uncanny X-Men #1, but I’m 99 per cent sure this is how Iceman got his powers. 

If radioactive ice cubes are lacking, consider becoming Mr. Freeze instead. Tragic backstory optional; Arnold Schwarzenegger puns a must (“Stay kewl bird boi”).

Join Bezos’ mission to Mars

The average temperature on Mars is a delightfully brisk -60C. Truly, the coolest people in the solar system will be the Martians.

Sure, you’ll be riding there on a deathtrap rocket designed by the lowest bidder for a knockoff Bond villain’s vanity project, but you’ll be COOL.

Read the chilling IPCC report on climate change

If you really want something to freeze your blood, why not check out the leaked draft of the truly chilling report on climate change?

At worst, you’ll be able to consider how in perspective, this could actually end up being the coolest summer we have from here on out!

How’s THAT for cool?

Haha…hee…ho…hmmmm.

*sips radioactive iced tea*

Welcome to Ford on Fridays: a weekly column where Victoria Buzz staff writer Tim Ford offers his thoughts on life, love, and the pursuit of the perfect joke.

This column is for comedic purposes only. Please feel free to send feedback, thoughts, and [constructive] criticisms to tim@victoriabuzz.com.

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